This past week has been another hard one in my book of difficult weeks. I seem to get my head above the water and just as I am able to breath something comes along and pushes me under again. I feel like I’ve been drowning in hurt for the last 2 years.
Q’s blood work results started the ball rolling this time around. His white blood cell count was off. They inferred something more dangerous than not was afoot. They totally scared the crap out of me and I have to fight to keep the fears from completely engulfing me. I feel like I’ve been screaming for help but no one can hear me.
I sucked it up and we got to church in time for pre-service prayer. I pushed my feelings aside and went into the room to pray. When it was my turn to pray, I got a picture of someone putting out a “fleece” before God. They made a pack with God that if He does something, they’ll respond. I really felt like something special was going to happen in the service. We finished off by praying for boldness for people to share the words of encouragement God was placing on their hearts.I know Q will be OK, he has to be. I know that I’m loved and needed but I don’t want to deny that they are thoughts I fight, my giant to overcome. The following part is what I want you to focus on…
She whispered in my ear… I told God I wouldn’t do this unless Dave opened up the mic for this to happen (the fleece moment), God put you on my heart this week. You’ve been drowning in hurt and God wants to heal that. You are a firecracker and that hurt is binding you from being that firecracker God made you to be (along those lines and a bit more). She walked back to her piano and then I crumpled to the floor.